Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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