I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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