Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
