You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
