I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
