um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
