This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
