i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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