she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
