Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
