yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
