I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
