yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
