Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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