Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
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He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer