Betty ford says i'm here all night
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
