What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My ass is underappreciated
He? As in you personified your dick?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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