is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
