I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
