I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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