I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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