I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
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I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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