Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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