Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
