Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
