So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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