I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
