Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
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We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
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I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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