Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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