That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
