Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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