Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
