so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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