He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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