I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
