dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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