Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
