five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
jump out the window naked night went bad
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