dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
