Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
