so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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