ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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