he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
