There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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