Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
