When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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