Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
