if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
