Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
