So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
