toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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