I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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