I love black thongs
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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