forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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