Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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